Asthma

I come to in the middle of the night

and I don’t dare move – it’s not out of fear

but I know something is wrong.  I feel

as if someone has duct taped my mouth

shut leaving only a little pin-hole, the

size I once made a box camera out of

as a boy, to breathe through.

I sit up on the edge of the bed and panic,

real panic sets in.  My mind races with

what’s going on.  I’m suffocating.  I feel

as if I am in a dark theater looking at

a wide, very bright picture of an empty

beach.  There must be music, but panic

drowns out any sound.

My Thai wife has taken to sleeping in

her shop with her diabetic mother who

is not well.  I want to run away from

this panic, run to her for help.  I stand to

flee, but after two steps I sit back down

on the bed.  Any physical exertion only

makes the attack worse.  Asthma is something

the patient has to deal with alone, by himself.

I try and drink expectorant from a small

bottle the size Alice drank from to make

herself tall.  I sip, but swallowing is all

but impossible.  My eyes dart downcast

from side to side.  I am in real trouble.

I know that.  The stuff is from China,

probably home made, but it has worked

before.

Finally, I’m able to swallow half a teaspoon

of “the drug for cough.”  I slam the bottle down

as if it were a knife and reach for my inhaler

as if it were a gun and needed because it

was more lethal.

I have to time the puff to my very shallow

breathing.  I nod my head to keep time with

my breathe, but the first puff only hits

the back of my throat.  Three more tries and

I think the albuterol must be hitting the top

of my lungs.  I slam the inhaler down and

pick up “the drug for cough again.”

Finally, I can rasp up phlegm.  It sounds rough

like waves crashing on rocks  Again, again.

I feel better and for no reason get up and

walk in the dark house.  When my son was

three we went to Canada for a week.  When

we got back in the middle of the night he ran

around and touched things he remembered.

My stalking around is like that.  I have no

other purpose.

I sit at my computer in the dark bedroom.

I’m better, but have no desire to turn the

machine on.  I’m still shaky.  In twenty  

minutes my breathing is almost normal.

My wheezing is gone except for a small,

distant unexpected sound when I exhale.

Before lying down again, I recognize the

sound,  It’s a gull, riding waves of unseen

air, out over the dark ocean.

FG       8/4/2016

Asthma attacks can be frightening.  I think it is the rainy season weather that has brought my current attacks on.  But simple fear of not having expectorant and my rescue inhaler nearby when I go to bed can bring on an attack by itself.  As much as I like Thailand, it has to be one of the worst places for people with asthma and COPD.